First Day of School (and Big Changes)

Summer has flown by, and now it's back to school time. I can't help but get excited this time of year with all the fresh, new school supplies filling every store. It's the same feeling I get when Spring arrives--there's a sense of newness, of a fresh start, of beginning again. And, while this is something I always feel at the start of a new school year, it's even more so this year because we're doing things a little differently this year...

We are home schooling.

This is something we've very much been going back and forth on and seriously considering for the past year and a half or so. And just to clarify, it's not because we hate public school or because we want to shelter our kids. We actually have really loved our years at Ward Elementary, and we are so supportive of families who choose public school! This just seemed like the right move for us at this stage of our family's life.

I've come to realize that the "busy seasons" in life are not really "seasons" so much. They never seem to end, and then when they do, they're back before long. Being in ministry this seems to amplify this quite a bit because there are so many obligations outside of the regular 9-5 (meetings, studies, coaching, building relationships, etc.). The past couple of years, I've really come to dread our "normal" schedule, especially since mine and Aaron's hours tend to be somewhat flexible to accommodate for the aforementioned extra responsibilities, but the kids' school schedule is not. We're up early to take the kids to school (even on Aaron's day off), we pick up the kid(s) at 2:45, usually Abby had tutoring until 4:00, then we come home and stay on them to finish their homework until they're done (may be 5:30 or 6:00), fuss at them to go get their rooms clean/chores done, call them down for dinner, spend an hour together (if we're lucky enough not to have anything like meetings, Girl Scouts, or baseball going on), then off to bed and start the whole thing over again tomorrow. It's exhausting for everyone, and I kept feeling like my kids didn't have any time to be kids. Not to mention the fact that I felt like all I was ever doing was fussing at my kids and telling them what to do. And none of us were ever at our best at 4:00, even after going to Sonic for happy hour.

There will be things about it that'll be hard. For one, Aaron and I had really come to enjoy our date day together on Mondays while the kids were at school. Now we'll just have to schedule dates like normal people. It'll be different having the kids home all the time, but I just love them at this age, and I think it'll be [mostly] a great time.

I'm sure there'll be time for me to unpack the rest later, but for now...

Here are pics from our first day of school! Abby slept until I woke her up at 8:30 (which is very strange for her, but I guess she was just taking advantage of the opportunity). We started the day off with a celebratory breakfast at Starbucks with Dad. It was long past the time they would've been at school in years prior, and they thought that was cool.

After that, we made a quick stop at the grocery store before heading home to start our school work.

Abby is in 5th grade (age 10) and Carson is in 3rd grade (age 8). We're using Sonlight for our core curriculum, and then are supplementing with Teaching Textbooks Math, Spelling Power, and more. So far, we're enjoying it!

By the end of day one (and even now after making it through day two), everyone was still happy, all the work got done, and they were able to go play/nap/relax by mid-day. So far I'm feeling such a peace about this and can't wait to see what's in store.

Mommy's Shuttle Service

For years, I’ve heard mom’s refer to themselves as a shuttle service, taxi cab, chauffer… but I have to admit, I never really felt that way before. And what’s more, I/we committed early on not to live life that way—kids being part of a million different activities/clubs/sports, and just shuffling various family members from one place to another. There’s no need to crowd our lives like that, I said. And I still stand by that. Except here’s the crazy thing… it totally sneaks up on you. After a nice and laid back summer, we told our kids that they could each choose one thing to be a part of. Abby chose piano lessons, and Carson chose karate. So we sign everyone up. Then I realize, that will actually entail three nights of the week (TWH), not just two. Oh well. Then last week, we added after school tutoring to Tuesdays and Thursdays for Abby, and I’m feeling pretty outa’ whack.
I feel bad because the second we get home, I become a drill sergeant. “Go do your homework. Have you done your reading time? Where is your reading log? Okay, now clean your room. Stop playing right now, we’re in a hurry! You’re not done with your homework? You said you were done! We’ve got to go in five minutes. Where are your shoes? Just do your reading in the car and let’s go!” (Did you hear me escalating with each question?)
Deep breaths.
In a moment of honesty, I know I can’t really get on to them much for not being “on top of it”. I’m a bit of a distracted mess right now, myself. I feel like I can’t focus and do any one thing well (nevermind the two, three, four things that I have on my plate). And I don’t know how to navigate this phase, except to say:

1. God, help us. And I mean that not as an expression, but a prayer.
2. It is just a phase. Life has it’s busy seasons and it’s slow seasons. In December, we’ll take a break from karate, and tutoring will also be over. And we’ll re-evaluate it all when spring rolls around.
3. Kids, go play for a while. When we get home, just go be kids. Homework can wait a while, and the house can just be messy--go have fun.

I don’t want to miss (or ruin) this stage of life with my kids. How do you navigate the craziness?

Following Through

Since feeling the conviction to lay Powerhouse Studios to the side and let it go (for a while or permanently, I'm not sure) back in February, I have begun to walk it out -- canceling memberships and advertising, referring new clients out to other photographers, and vastly decreasing the number of hours in a week that I spend on my business. It was really strange at first. I cried the first couple of days as I typed emails to other photographers telling them I'd be sending clients their way or to would-be clients letting them know I was not accepting new business at this time. It was hard explaining my decision to other people, who just sat there gaping while saying, "You WHAT?!" It was painful. But then the strangest thing happened. I was at peace. And everything was fine. And I sat there and said to myself, well, that actually wasn't that hard after all.

I found great relief in shutting down that drivenness inside of me that's always pushing me--to think of the next great idea or to accomplish my next goal or solving the problem of the week. The past couple of months have allowed me to just be.

That's not to say I haven't been busy. I feel like my schedule is strangely fuller than ever, but I have the freedom to really look around and see what needs to be done. I've enjoyed spending a lot more time with Aaron. I spend a day or two a week up at the church with him planning, meeting, dreaming, praying, and filling in gaps where need be. I've had a lot of people ask me if I quit my business so that I could work at the church, and my answer is definitively no. However, I do feel like I need to step up in my role of being a support for Aaron, and not in a church staff sort of way. I didn't see that clearly when all of this began. In the past, I've always been a part of Aaron's ministry and have been involved in one capacity or another, but this is the first time I've truly felt like a partner--like this ministry is something we're doing together. And I want to clarify, it has never been because Aaron hasn't invited or encouraged it. There was just always something that held me back. Maybe it was just the phase of life we were in with young kids and busy lives. But maybe there was something more that didn't allow me to give that much of myself. I don't know.

I do know that the other day as I was driving to lunch with a friend, I was thinking and praying to God about why he would ask me to give up my business. I feel like he said to me pretty clearly, "You never would have truly committed yourself to this ministry otherwise." I'm not sure if that's the main idea of his whole plan or just a sub-text, but it was very eye-opening for me to realize.

I also know that now my weekends are free, and I'm able to enjoy Saturdays with my family--baseball games, Hill Country road trips, and days at home. It's so nice. And at least for the moment, I'm happy to not be spending my Saturdays shooting weddings and coming home at midnight. It feels really good.

I'm still in the process of unpacking the whole thing (like then whens and the whys, and I just realized that this is the first time in 15 years that I have not been earning an income... weird), and I know it may be years before I understand it all. But I continue to pray and take each step forward, trusting God and trying to have the courage to say, "I'll do anything you ask of me, Lord."

Change

Journal Entry: February 4, 2013

There's been a lot going through my mind lately. I feel like God is working something (pretty major) in my life, because over the past year or so, everything has been changing. I feel like God has been slowly (and sometimes not so slowly) taking from me so many of the things I am comfortable with, not sparing many of my plans and dreams. It's no secret that this has been a tough process for me... "It's not fair. Why can't I have anything I want?!" (Yes, I realize how much this sounds like my kids when they were three.) But I'm starting to figure that it's time to embrace it all--whatever that may look like (and I hate that I don't know). God asked me to TRUST him in 2013, right? 

So... I'm thinking the next step is to close (or at least take some time off) my business. I absolutely never saw this coming. In the fall, I really began to sense that God was telling me it would be ending, that I'd need to let it go (I've had similar experiences when leaving other jobs in the past) -- I just didn't know when. Since then, however, a number of signs keep pointing to the end of a season. I just don't feel right about moving forward. I'm not exactly sure how to proceed from here.  

Letting go is hard in so many ways. I'm not worried about money or provision. God has proven time and time again that he is faithful to provide, no matter what our income. I think the hardest part is letting go of the dreams ("success", earning enough to save for travel and buy a house in the country, the joy of having/building my own business). I've always had the "if you can dream it, you can do it" state of mind. And it's hard when God says no without giving any other vision for what's ahead. I want something to pursue... a goal. 

But I can see now that that goal needs to be him, and him alone. My hopes and dreams and that need to know what's next have become (and may have always been) an idol in my life, and it's time to do things differently. Time to step out of the boat and see what happens.

Since writing that journal entry, I read the book "Anything: The Prayer That Unlocked My God and My Soul" by Jeannie Allen. Let me tell you, I have never read anything that seemed to be written for and about me at a particular moment in time. (It's cool how God does stuff like that, right?!) It confirmed so much of what I was hearing and reassured me that what I am doing is the right thing.

Friends, I thank you in advance for your prayers and support as I walk this out. I'm not sure how to navigate these waters. It's one thing to pray and decide to follow him. It's quite another thing, I'm learning, to say it out loud and put legs on what God is asking me to do.

Fear

Fear is something that's getting a lot of talk time around our house lately. Carson has, for the past couple of weeks, been completely overcome by the fear that our house is going to catch on fire. He goes to bed worrying about it, he gets up in the middle of the night worried about it, he wakes up worried about it. We do our best to calm his fears, to pray with him, and to teach him what to do if he ever does find himself in that situation. As a mom, it's tough. I wish I could say that houses never caught on fire or that he'd never find himself in a scary situation, but that's not true. (The house I grew up in burned down when I was in third grade.) I can tell him it's not likely. I can teach him how to handle it if it ever does happen. I can tell him it's not worth wasting his every minute worrying about something that's probably not going to happen, and that even if it did, I'd stop at nothing to make sure he was safe.

I've found that God has really been speaking to me in this as he turns the mirror on me. I don't spend hours worrying about my house catching fire, but I fear and worry about a lot of other things... money, car accidents, business, ministry... there's a long list of things. I spend so much of my time lying awake at night being fearful over one thing or another when God's saying, "It's going to be okay. I'll show you what to do. I'll stop at nothing to make sure that you're okay. I'm here." When I take the time to stop and hear that, it brings peace. I've got to be better about taking time to hear his voice and listen to his guidance because "perfect love casts out fear." (1 John 4:18)

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go. Joshua 1:9

WE'RE DEBT FREEEEEE!!!

Well, this is actually kind of old news now, but I never got around to posting it. Furthermore, I generally do not make it a practice of talking about our finances with other people. However, this is something that I want to remember, and I especially want my kids to remember as they become adults, so for that purpose, I am telling our story.

Several years ago (or more -- Abby was just a little thing), we were fairly newly married, had two car payments, student loan debt, and a good chunk of credit card debt. We were pretty normal, I suppose, but always felt the weight of all the payments and never feeling like we could get ahead. On a visit to my parents' house, my dad started talking about this guy he'd been listening to on the radio and what he'd been learning. Turned out this guy was Dave Ramsey, and my Dad offered to pay for us to go to his Total Money Makeover event here in San Antonio if we'd be willing to go. Well, we weren't going to turn it down, but it was admittedly a little hard to get excited about going to talk about money. We went, though, and were totally inspired. There was hope. We didn't have to live this way!

So we decided on a plan. We saved up a little emergency fund, cut up our credit card, and we began to pay off debt. I won't say it was easy. It wasn't. And there were a couple points where we lost focus (we bought two cars along the way, adding to our debt). BUT... the more we paid off, the faster things got moving and the more excited we became, until five years later (PRAISE THE LORD FOR HIS PROVISION!), we finished paying off every last dollar! (Except for the house.)

All along (especially the past year or two) the kids have been very involved in the process. When we paid everything off, they were thrilled about calling in for Dave's Debt Free Friday, and screaming "We're debt FREEEEEEEEEEE!" But with our schedules, we never seemed to be able to get all together at the right time. So a couple weeks ago when I heard that Dave would be in town for a book signing, the kids asked if we could go meet him and tell him about being debt free. So we did! We got the chance to meet him, have him sign our book, and (though the kids chickened out and hid behind me) tell him we were debt free. We didn't scream in the book store, but he and his team said, "Yaaaaaaay!!!" It was quick fleeting moment, but it was fun. :) Our friends Daniel and Amanda were there too and were kind enough to snap a quick pic.

While paying off debt was thrilling, I think the most exciting part was being able to buy a car without a car payment in August. That was one thing we just never thought would be possible! It wasn't expensive or fancy, but it's not dragging a payment with it, and THAT feels good!

The Word

The other day I went "old school" and pulled out a random selection of about 10 CDs I hadn't listened to in a while. In this mix was a Sara Groves album, and this song has moved me so much the past few times I've listened to it. It's convicting, true, and powerful. Thought I'd share.

The Word
by Sara Groves

I've done every devotional
Been every place emotional
Trying to hear a new word from God
And I think it's very odd
That while I attmept to help myself
My Bible sits upon my shelf
With every promise I could ever need

And the Word was
And the Word is
And the Word will be

People are getting fit for truth
Like they're buying a new tailored suit
Does it fit across the shoulders
Does it fade when it get older
We throw ideas that aren't in style
In the Salvation Army pile
And search for something more to meet our needs

And the Word was
And the Word is
And the Word will be

I think it's time I rediscover
All the ground that I have covered,
Like seek ye first what a verse
We are pressed but not crushed
Perplexed but don't despair
We are persecuted but not abandoned
We are no longer slaves
We are daughters and sons
And when we are weak we are very strong
And neither death nor life nor present
Nor future nor depth nor height
Can keep us from the love of Christ
And the Word I need is the Word that was
Who put on flesh to dwell with us
In the beginning

The Word was
And the Word is
And the Word will be

Scripture Memory [Verse 1]

This year, I have committed to (along with my friend Gina, inspired by Beth Moore's Scripture Memory Team) memorize 24 scriptures. I’m excited. I’ve really felt God calling to take my relationship with him and my faith to a new level lately. Which means doing things I haven’t done (ever or at least in a while). When I was a kid/teen, I spent a lot of time memorizing scripture for Bible Drill, and I firmly believe that it made a huge difference in my outlook on life and relationship with God. So… when Gina shared Scripture Memory Challenge with me, I was happy to take it on.

One of the things that Beth Moore said on her blog that really struck me was, “Scripture memorization has been among the most profoundly effective disciplines of the faith that God has ever given me to practice. Honestly, I think I would’ve lost my mind by now if He had not pasted His Word all over it. Every personal battle we face is won or lost on the playing field of our mind.”

I’m excited to see how God speaks to me through his Word this year! Consider joining me (my kids have)!

2011 in a Word

A friend of mine chooses (through much thought and prayer) a word for each year. This word embodies something that she feels called to be or to do, and I love seeing her work toward it throughout the year.

This year she challenged others to do the same. After much prayer and consideration, I feel like my "word" for this year is: CONNECT.

2011 is starting off insanely, and is already set to be a big year in our lives. The new campus is set to launch here in a few weeks, Carson will start Kindergarten, my business will shift from part time to full, and so on...

I have to admit, that my natural tendency -- especially when things get crazy -- is to draw in to myself. While my comfort in doing my own thing can be a real benefit at times, it can also be a really bad thing. It can cause me to miss out on important relationships, opportunities, business, and more. And I don't want that. Good things happen when I make the effort to connect to others, and I believe that this year, more than ever, God is asking me to step outside my comfort zone and connect more deeply with those around me.

Tired

Sundays are always long days, but finally, the kids are in bed and all is quiet. The past week has been a little crazy with everyone being sick all, and I think Abby was feeling it tonight. Just before bed in the midst of all the "go upstairs and get ready for bed, brush your teeth, etc." routine, she just broke down sobbing. As I went to sit down with her and give her a big hug, she cried and said, "I think I'm just exhasted. All this running up and down the stairs and then I had an extra musical practice today that I wasn't really expecting, and I've just been working so hard. And I'm worried that I won't be able to go to sleep, and then my tooth hurts and I haven't been brushing my teeth as much as I should and I might have a cavity... and I just don't know what to do because I'm exhausted and I just feel like being mad at everybody, but I don't want to, and I want to make good choices, but I feel like all I'm doing is making the bad ones, and I'm just so exhausted, Mommy." I just smiled and hugged her tight and assured her that everyone feels that way sometimes. Then we prayed together and tried to focus on the good things in life for a while.

I can relate all too well. When life gets crazy, I can get overwhelmed, which only leads me to strive and wear myself out more, which leads me to worry and fear, which leads me to sin and anger and flat out exhaustion. What do I do when I find myself there? Where do I go? More often than not, I just do my best to keep carrying everything on my back, trudge on, or just wallow for a while. Tonight was a reminder, though, that I have a Father whose arms are always ready and waiting to hold and comfort me.

I am reminded of my absolute favorite passage in Scripture

Psalm 73

23 Yet I am always with you;

you hold me by my right hand.

24 You guide me with your counsel,

and afterward you will take me into glory.

25 Whom have I in heaven but you?

And earth has nothing I desire besides you.

26 My flesh and my heart may fail,

but God is the strength of my heart

and my portion forever.

Fortunately/Unfortunately

When I was in 5th grade, my teacher, Mrs. Richardson, had us write a book entitled Fortunately/Unfortunately. I don't necessarily remember what I wrote about then, but I've come up with a newer version -- a true life tale of my day yesterday.

Fortunately, I've been busy lately with work.
Unfortunately, I've been busy lately with work -- which apparently makes me a little distracted and all over the place.
Fortunately, I had a wedding Thursday night.
Unfortunately, along the way I realized the black dress shoes I needed to wear were not in the car like I thought. And then when I dropped the kids off, Aaron mentioned he could see my stripey bra through my two layer shirt. (Is it okay to talk about my bra on my family blog?!)
Fortunately, I was able to make a quick stop at Cato, where I found perfect shoes and a perfect bra both on clearance for cheap. In and out in five minutes.
Unfortunately, when I arrived, I was horrified to discover that in my rush to get out the door while helping a frustrated and tired Abby with homework, I somehow left an entire case (one of three) containing a crucial piece of equipment at home. (I am a total idiot. I can admit that.)
Fortunately, my wonderful photographer mother-in-law lived close and brought me hers to borrow.
Unfortunately, I was 35 minutes late because of my mistake.
Fortunately (for me. Unfortunately for her), the bride was 30 minutes later than I was.
Unfortunately, my eyes were itching like crazy.
Fortunately, they waited to get really bad until the wedding was over.
Unfortunately, my husband was asleep when I got home last night. (I always love getting to hang out with him when I get home.)
Fortunately, I have convinced him to shoot tomorrow's wedding with me. #1 Because he's actually really good. #2, I really like having him around. And #3, he will help me make sure my head stays on straight! (No small task!)

Fortunately, two people committed their lives to each other forever yesterday. And it was beautiful. And they chose me to document it... and I get to do it again tomorrow for another amazing couple. And at the end of the day, there's nothing unfortunate that can really overshadow that.

Room Mom

I am now the official Room Mom for Abby's class. I'm excited.

And scared.

Does that make me a dork? Ha! Anyway, so I'm going to need the help and ideas from all the brilliant, creative, fun, and hospitable moms out there who are really good at this sort of thing. (Ehemm... Jenn, Natalie, Mom! You all know who you are!) Are there websites full of ideas for room mom's out there? What do I do?! I need help!

I'm mostly joking. But in a moment of honesty, I've been struggling a bit lately. I really want to connect with people here (in my neighborhood, in NW San Antonio) since we've moved. I believe we're (obviously) called to that. I just don't feel good at connecting with people. I am introverted and not good at making conversation. I'm not adorable or charming or exceedingly nice. What if I completely miss all of the great opportunities (like this one) that are put before me? What if I'm not cut out for this?

Deep breath.

I have to step back and remind myself that this is probably how Moses felt. And David. And so many others before me who felt insufficient for the task. I guess this is what God was talking about in 2 Corinthians 12:9 when he said his strength would be made perfect in our weakness.

Father, so many scriptures come to mind right now. You are so much bigger than my shortcomings, and you are big enough to accomplish the things that you desire both through and despite me. Help me remember that I am right where you want me to be -- completely dependent on you. Open my eyes to the areas where I am not so, and forgive me for that. Help me to see your plan for me and for those around me and use me as you will. I can't wait to see what you have in store.

A Tearful Confession

Well, I can no longer deny it. I am a crier. (My husband is laughing right now. Duh, he's saying.)
I used to secretly make fun of moms when they'd cry at a Hallmark commercial. When friends at school would cry over a boy or not making the team or whatever the case may be, I just didn't get it. At summer camp when all of the students around me would be weeping, it's not that I didn't feel, I just didn't feel moved to tears.

When Aaron and I started dating, I proudly declared that I was not an emotional girl. I never cried. I could almost see him breathe a sigh of relief after dating a couple girls with a propensity towards drama. I'm just not like that, I assured him.

Fast forward eight years. I've cried probably four times this week. Ha! No wonder my husband looks at me like he's completely confused when my eyes start to leak! Poor guy.

For the longest time, I blamed it on stress or the fluxuating hormones that come with having children or any number of other things... but the fact is, I suppose have so much more at stake now than I did at 19. Life... the little things... the big things... well, they all mean so much more than they used to. When a bride walks down the aisle, or a family is broken, or someone achieves something they've always wanted, or if my husband writes me a sweet card or if he gets upset with me, or if my kids tell me, "Mommy, I love you sooooooooooo much!" -- those are all big deals.

So... to my dear husband. I'm sorry. It's not that I was lying back then. I'm just not the same girl I used to be, and I like to think that (for the most part) it's for the better. Thanks for (inadvertantly) showing me that there are things worth crying for. I love living life with you!

Abby [08.22.10]

Dear Abby,

Here's a look at your life at 6 years old.

You Love:
- Wearing dresses
- Giving lots of hugs and kisses
- Being picked up... still
- Your brother
- All of your cousins
- Earning... and spending money
- Baby dolls
- Horses
- Playing with neighbors
- Sonic and Taco Cabana
- Bean and cheese tacos
- Swimming
- Sleepovers
- Movie Nights
- Being with the grown ups
- Hannah Montana
- Coloring
- Reading
- Having your nails painted in a "pattern"
- Your friends
- Purses and bags of all kinds

You do not love:
- Being alone
- Rest time (but you always end up falling asleep)
- Having your hair fixed
- "Going to stores that don't have cute stuff." (Your exact words when I asked you.)
- Jeans, shorts, or socks that don't fit just exactly right.

One thing (among many) that I love about you:
I love that when we see a man or woman on the street corner asking for money or help, you immediately go to your purse and pull out all that you have to give to them.

Abby, words I use to describe you include:
spirited, loving, helpful, generous, determined, patient, sweet

Some words that describe how I feel about you are:
proud, love, excited, special, friend

I love you, and I can't wait to see what God has in store for you this year!
Mommy

Thoughts from a Quiet Starbucks

Finally getting around to posting this journal entry from 8/8/10...

I got to watch the sun rise this morning. Now I'm sitting at Starbucks (alone) with no particular place to rush off to. This was worth getting up early for.

This week, I've made it a point to have times like this. Times alone. Times where I'm not on the computer, watching TV, or playing with my iPhone. Times to read. Times to think. Times to pray. Times to wonder, brainstorm, or space-out. And it makes a difference.

I've gotten more work done, have spent more quality time with my kids, hopefully loved my husband better, and felt at peace with God. I worried less, yelled less, and felt less like a crazy person.

Of course this is true. Jesus made time to be alone. God tells us over and over throughout His Word to, "Be still and know that I am God," or, "Come unto me, all who are weary and I will give you rest," and still we forget. Or think we're okay without.

At any rate... it's been great. I've really been in prayer a lot lately for myself and for our family. There have been many prayers, but my biggest request has been that our faith, our passion, and our understanding of God would be taken to another level. Already, I see this beginning to happen, and it's so exciting. It's just time for change. Not that anything's been bad about our lives (that hasn't been the case at all), but there just hasn't been a whole lot of passion or reaching for more or... I just feel like God wants so much more from us.

Since I got up early with Aaron this morning (the kids are at Bill and Sandy's), I have several hours to kill before going to the 11:15 service at RCCC, so I'm enjoying an iced chai and then going to visit another church (Journey Fellowship) that is a multi-site concept. I'm excited. I think it's kinda refreshing to go to another church sometimes, especially for ministers. I do adore River City though, and the more churches I see, the luckier I feel being a part of it. River City "gets it" on so many levels. I'm excited to start the new campus, but will be sad leaving the Redland campus. It feels a lot like home.

Lots to be in prayer about these days. Passion. Balance. New Campus (location, people, etc.). Kids starting school. Neighbors. Family. The cool thing is knowing that God is in control and he's listening.

Heart's Cry

Great morning at church this morning... the whole morning I just really felt God speaking to me. I really feel like the overarching theme and my desire is this, that He would be honored in the highest place in my life.

Oh great and mighty One with one desire we come,
That You would reign, that You would reign in us
We're offering up our lives, a living sacrifice,
That You would reign, that You would reign in us

Lord Jesus, come lead us,
We're desperate for your touch

We cry out for your love to refine us
Cry out for your love to define us...

(Lyrics from Starfield's "Reign in Us")

I'm Back

Well, 21 days later, I am back. I have mixed emotions about this. One one hand, it's going to be SO nice sleeping in my own bed tonight. On the other, I think I'd be happy living the life of the perpetual traveller. I've really enjoyed the past few weeks. It was a rare opportunity to (for the most part) "unplug" from life. At times that was difficult, but ultimately it was amazing. We had a great time and there are many blog posts and pictures to come.

In the mean time, I will leave you with the fortune I pulled from my fortune cookie in Memphis. I think that we all find this to be true when we take the time to unplug.

Righteousness

Yesterday there was a verse that I couldn't get out of my head. I hadn't read it recently or heard it. It just popped into my head and wouldn't leave.

"Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness..."
- Matthew 5:6

Then today in my QT, part of my reading was Psalm 1..

"Happy are those who do not follow the advice of the wicked, or take the path that sinners tread, or sit in the seat of scoffers; but their delight is in the law of the Lord, and on his law they meditate day and night. They are like trees planted by streams of water, which yield their fruit in its season, and their leaves do not wither. In all they do, they prosper... for the Lord watches over the way of the righteous..."

I get the distinct sense that, although I've felt "good" about my walk with God, I am missing the fullness of what it could be. What is righteousness? How do I go about pursuing it? What will it look like to others? (Does that matter?)

A lot of questions that I don't have answers for. But I know that this is something God is stirring in me, and so begins the pursuit...

Fear

Fear (in the form of worry, doubt, anxiety) has always been a struggle of mine... at least throughout my adult life. While I feel like I've been able to conquer it in many ways, I find that it still plagues me. It grips me in the middle of the night or as I try to fall asleep. I feel overcome by all of my shortcomings, or the things that I haven't gotten done, or I will just begin to worry (panic, even) about some facet of my life... family, work, money...

It's honestly the worst feeling ever. Because no matter how much I try to think on something else, and no matter how much I may know (in my head) that it's really not that big of a deal, it consumes me.

I've come to realize over the past months that these "attacks" are, I believe, very spiritual in nature -- designed to defeat me and take my eyes off of the fact that God is very much in control and that He loves me deeply. Since this realization, I've had to be very intentional in fighting fear.

1. By taking every thought captive. This is very difficult for me, but necessary.

"We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ."
2 Corinthians 10:5

2. By prayer. This is actually  most important because, at least for me, it's hard for me to take those thoughts captive without prayer.

"I sought the Lord, and He answered me, and delivered me from all my fears."Psalm 34:4

3. Openness and Accountability. This is difficult for me because a lot of time when I give voice to the things I worry about... I feel silly. Ha! But Aaron has really helped me a lot lately. Not only does it help to just get it out, but his prayers for me have been so amazingly helpful.

4. Keeping the Tank Full. I have started to notice that fear/worry is just not an issue when I am regularly spending time with God by being in the Word and in prayer.

I have been reading through the book "Window in a Glass House" by Shirley Walker (a great read for pastors wives or for anyone in ministry), and I read a chapter this week about this very topic. There was one paragraph in particular that really spoke to me.

I view fear as the gauge for my spiritual tank. When i find myself battling the "what if..." questions, I know my faith is running on reserves. I need time in the scripture to strenghten my spirit in His word... No longer is fear a crippling enemy... it has become a stepping stone into His presence.

I thought that was a really cool perspective. Thanks for letting me share!

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

Philippians 4:8

Beautiful Saturday

I love days like this... windows rolled down, hair blowing in the wind, and blue skies. It's been a beautiful day so far. In a little while Aaron will be home and my day will be even better. Thank you God for days like today.