Reading

I just finished reading a book called Map of the World. Natalie brought it over to me one day a while back and I decided to pick it up last Thursday because I needed a break. I hardly put it down until I finished it on Saturday. I haven't read a book in quite some time, and this one was so good. I connected so deeply with the characters, and the story, while difficult and tragic to read at times, was beautifully written.

Decided to see how I've done on my 2010 reading list...

This is what I've read so far:
-Same Kind of Different as Me [Hall/Moore] ♥♥♥♥
-Bible (Almost halfway now. Aaron and I are going through a Chronological reading plan.) ♥♥♥♥♥
-Post Secret [Warren] ♥♥♥
-A Tree Grows in Brooklyn [Smith] ♥♥♥♥♥
-The Glass Castle [Walls] ♥♥♥♥♥
-Half Broke Horses [Walls] (updated 9/30/10) ♥♥♥♥♥
-Sense and Sensibility [Austen] ♥♥♥♥
-Map of the World [Hamilton] ♥ ♥♥♥♥
Have yet to read/finish:
-Hunger Games [Collins]
-Grapes of Wrath [Steinbeck]
-Boys Should Be Boys [Meeker]
-Shepherding a Child's Heart [Tripp]
-Permission Marketing [Godin]
-Tribes [Godin]


Looks like it's time to re-visit the library!

Fear

Fear (in the form of worry, doubt, anxiety) has always been a struggle of mine... at least throughout my adult life. While I feel like I've been able to conquer it in many ways, I find that it still plagues me. It grips me in the middle of the night or as I try to fall asleep. I feel overcome by all of my shortcomings, or the things that I haven't gotten done, or I will just begin to worry (panic, even) about some facet of my life... family, work, money...

It's honestly the worst feeling ever. Because no matter how much I try to think on something else, and no matter how much I may know (in my head) that it's really not that big of a deal, it consumes me.

I've come to realize over the past months that these "attacks" are, I believe, very spiritual in nature -- designed to defeat me and take my eyes off of the fact that God is very much in control and that He loves me deeply. Since this realization, I've had to be very intentional in fighting fear.

1. By taking every thought captive. This is very difficult for me, but necessary.

"We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ."
2 Corinthians 10:5

2. By prayer. This is actually  most important because, at least for me, it's hard for me to take those thoughts captive without prayer.

"I sought the Lord, and He answered me, and delivered me from all my fears."Psalm 34:4

3. Openness and Accountability. This is difficult for me because a lot of time when I give voice to the things I worry about... I feel silly. Ha! But Aaron has really helped me a lot lately. Not only does it help to just get it out, but his prayers for me have been so amazingly helpful.

4. Keeping the Tank Full. I have started to notice that fear/worry is just not an issue when I am regularly spending time with God by being in the Word and in prayer.

I have been reading through the book "Window in a Glass House" by Shirley Walker (a great read for pastors wives or for anyone in ministry), and I read a chapter this week about this very topic. There was one paragraph in particular that really spoke to me.

I view fear as the gauge for my spiritual tank. When i find myself battling the "what if..." questions, I know my faith is running on reserves. I need time in the scripture to strenghten my spirit in His word... No longer is fear a crippling enemy... it has become a stepping stone into His presence.

I thought that was a really cool perspective. Thanks for letting me share!

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

Philippians 4:8

Notice [Poetry]

I'm continuing to post, now and again, poems that I love for one reason or another. I discovered this one in college, and it's a bit strange and funny, but I find myself drawn to it for some reason. :)

Notice
by Steve Kowit

This evening, the sturdy Levis
I wore every day for over a year
And which seemed to the end in perfect condition,
suddenly tore.
How or why I don’t know,
but there it was—a big rip at the crotch.
A month ago my friend Nick
Walked off a racquetball court,
Showered,
Got into his street clothes,
And halfway home collapsed and died.
Take heed you who read this
And drop to your knees now and again
Like the poet Christopher Smart
And kiss the earth and be joyful
And make much of your time
And be kindly to everyone,
Even to those who do not deserve it.
For although you may not believe it will happen,
You too will one day be gone.
I, whose Levis ripped at the crotch
For no reason,
Assure you that such is the case.
Pass it on.

Silence [Poetry]

As I go back through my little collection of poems, I'm noticing some of them are a bit dark... or somber, rather. But I like them because they make me feel.

Silence
by Edgar Lee Masters

I have known the silence of the stars and of the sea.
And the silence of the city when it pauses,
And the silence of a man and a maid,
And the silence for which music alone finds the word,
And the silence of the woods before the winds of spring begin,
And the silence of the sick
When their eyes roam about the room.
And I ask: For the depths
Of what use is language?
A beast of the field moans a few times
When death takes its young.
And we are voiceless in the presence of realities—
We cannot speak.

A curious boy asks an old soldier
Sitting in front of the grocery store,
“How did you lose your leg?”
And the old soldier is struck with silence,
Or his mind flies away
Because he cannot concentrate it on Gettysburg.
It comes back jocosely
And he says, “A bear bit it off.”
And the boy wonders, while the old soldier
Dumbly, feebly lives over
The nashes of guns, the thunder of cannon,
The shrieks of the slain,
And himself lying on the ground,
And the hospital surgeons, the knives,
And the long days in bed.
But if he could describe it all
He would be an artist.
But if he were an artist there would be deeper wounds
Which he could not describe.

There is the silence of great hatred,
And the silence of a great love,
And the silence of a deep peace of mind,
And the silence of an embittered friendship,
There is the silence of a spiritual crisis,
Through which your soul, exquisitely tortured,
Comes with visions not to be uttered
Into a realm of higher life.
And the silence of the gods who understand each other without speech,
There is the silence of defeat.
There is the silence of those unjustly punished;
And the silence of the dying whose hand
Suddenly grips yours.
There is the silence between father and son,
When the father cannot explain his life,
Even though he be misunderstood for it.

There is the silence that comes between husband and wife.
There is the silence of those who have failed;
And the vast silence that covers
Broken nations and vanquished leaders.
There is the silence of Lincoln,
Thinking of the poverty of his youth.
And the silence of Napoleon
After Waterloo.
And the silence of Jeanne d’Arc
Saying amid the flames, “Blesséd Jesus”—
Revealing in two words all sorrow, all hope.
And there is the silence of age,
Too full of wisdom for the tongue to utter it
In words intelligible to those who have not lived
The great range of life.

And there is the silence of the dead.
If we who are in life cannot speak
Of profound experiences,
Why do you marvel that the dead
Do not tell you of death?
Their silence shall be interpreted
As we approach them.

i carry your heart with me [Poetry]

In high school and college I always loved my Literature classes. They fascinated me. I give all the credit to my high school English teacher, Ms. Jarma, who made it exciting and interesting and enjoyable and who really helped us connect with the stories and poems we read. In college, though I quickly sold every other college textbook, I always held on to my Lit books. I just couldn't bear to part with a book so full of stories and thoughts collected over centuries. There's a lot of literature I don't care for, but the pieces that I love, I truly love.

Yesterday I found a file on my computer that had a small collection of my favorite poems, so I thought I'd post one now and again. The following poem is my favorite of all time. And if you know e.e. cummings at all, you'll know that I didn't botch the punctuation, spacing, and capitalization... that's just the way he does things. Enjoy!

i carry your heart with me
by e.e. cummings

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

Books I Read in 2009

I've never been a huge reader, but over the past few years, I've come to really enjoy a good book when I have time. In 2009, I still didn't read a TON, but it was a lot for me! :)

-The Love Dare [Kendrick] ♥♥♥♥♥
-Austenland [Hale] ♥♥♥
-The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Society [Shaffer] ♥♥♥♥
-Their Eyes Were Watching God [Hurston] ♥♥♥♥♥
-The Count of Monte Cristo [Dumas] ♥♥♥♥♥
-Ramona the Pest [Cleary] ♥♥♥♥
-Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows (again) [Rowling] ♥♥♥♥♥
-Purple Cow [Godin] ♥♥♥♥
-Fast Track Photographer [Sanders] ♥♥♥♥♥

There are a whole lot of half-read books that aren't on this list... I'm the world's worst at picking up a book and then being distracted by a better book or just something else entirely! :)

On my 2010 List of books to read???
-Same Kind of Different as Me [Hall/Moore] (JUST FINISHED!!)
-Bible (a good chunk of it at least... Aaron and I are going through a Chronological reading plan and have finished part of Genesis and all of Job so far)
-The Post Secret series [Warren]
-A Tree Grows in Brooklyn [Smith]
-The Glass Castle [Walls]
-Grapes of Wrath [Steinbeck]
-Boys Should Be Boys [Meeker]
-Shepherding a Child's Heart [Tripp]
-Permission Marketing [Godin]
-Tribes [Godin]

I'd love any other suggestions you have, especially along the fiction line!