Ten Years

Tonight I’m realizing that, in the absence of the other people, noise, media, and general busyness that typically surround me, my mind absolutely never stops running with thoughts. Aaron and the kids left earlier in the day to go to Howe and stay the night (the kids are staying with my mom and dad for the week and Aaron is running a 5k in Dallas in the morning), and I had a wedding to shoot tomorrow, so I had to stay home. I am also realizing that, though my life is quite different now than it was before marriage and kids and such, my tendencies as to what I do when I am alone are not. Today I went for a long drive in the Hill Country. I came home and thought that I should clean and organize the kids rooms and also the entire rest of the house… but then decided to just eat dinner instead while watching the rest of a movie (Ever After). And then I decided I wanted to go browse Half Price Books at 8:15pm. Then, I came home to sit in front of my laptop and dump all my thoughts. Seriously, I have not changed a bit. (Except for the fact that somewhere in there I mowed the back yard, and that after going to Half Price books, I resisted going to Starbucks for a coffee beverage and settled for a Coke Zero at home.)

(Only because, after much back and forth debating with myself, I didn’t want to have to explain to my husband that I cheated and stole money out of the grocery envelope so I could pay for a $5 coffee.)

(Though, to his credit, he probably wouldn’t care a bit, and he’d encourage me to enjoy it and tell me I deserved it, and so on and so on.)

(It’s sweet, I know. But it makes me feel bad because I’m the total opposite, being deemed the “money person” in our marriage. I’m all, “You spent $2.10 after your allowance was gone?! Now our budget is all messed up.” Huff.)

Today is our ten year anniversary. Ten years. That’s an entire decade. You know, I can honestly say that I have no idea what I expected marriage to look like when I was walking down that aisle. I knew I was excited and ready and in love, but I had no idea how deep marriage goes. It has been such a journey so far. In ten years, we have been privilege to great joys, but have also experienced (and inflicted) great wounds. We have seen each other at our worst—our most raw, our most angry, our most lazy, fearful, controlling, and insecure. And it’s hard because those things hurt. It’s hard too, because, while I’ve always been keenly aware of those things in myself, the realization that the person I love most is seeing all of the ugliness inside of me too is a terrible feeling. But then, that’s where the growing happens--because we see those things in each other, and we stay. We talk about it, we try to fix it, but above all we do our best to hold each other up. And being held when you feel like you’re falling apart is where the deep roots begin to grow. And having babies and watching them begin to grow into amazing little people, and seeing the little pieces of him in both of them, and knowing that we did that together. Wow. And then there’s the simplicity of just living life together—the places we go, the routines we have, the inside jokes, the food we eat—all roots growing ever deeper.  We know all of each other’s stories and the jokes the other tells (oh, wait—I can’t tell jokes). We’ve been married long enough to realize that there are just some things we won’t ever see eye to eye on, and we’re learning to accept (and even appreciate and laugh at) that in each other.  I never could’ve foreseen all of the roads we’ve travelled (literally and figuratively) in our first decade, and I certainly have no idea what things will transpire over the next ten. But I’m pretty confident in the fact that if I haven’t scared him off by now, he’s not going anywhere.  That fact never ceases to amaze me, and I am truly honored to be the wife of one great man.

I remember not long after we got married, Aaron was talking to some of the youth one night and said, “Being married is awesome. It’s like getting to have a sleepover with your best friend every single day.” I may not have had any idea what to expect from marriage when I walked the aisle at 21, but that part, at least, still feels true.

And finally, in honor of marriage, a great quote from the book What Alice Forgot by Liane Moriarty:

Early love is exciting and exhilarating. It's light and bubbly. Anyone can love like that. But after three children, after a separation and a near-divorce, after you've hurt each other and forgiven each other, bored each other and surprised each other, after you've seen the worst and the best-- well, that sort of love is ineffable. It deserves its own word.