Following Through

Since feeling the conviction to lay Powerhouse Studios to the side and let it go (for a while or permanently, I'm not sure) back in February, I have begun to walk it out -- canceling memberships and advertising, referring new clients out to other photographers, and vastly decreasing the number of hours in a week that I spend on my business. It was really strange at first. I cried the first couple of days as I typed emails to other photographers telling them I'd be sending clients their way or to would-be clients letting them know I was not accepting new business at this time. It was hard explaining my decision to other people, who just sat there gaping while saying, "You WHAT?!" It was painful. But then the strangest thing happened. I was at peace. And everything was fine. And I sat there and said to myself, well, that actually wasn't that hard after all.

I found great relief in shutting down that drivenness inside of me that's always pushing me--to think of the next great idea or to accomplish my next goal or solving the problem of the week. The past couple of months have allowed me to just be.

That's not to say I haven't been busy. I feel like my schedule is strangely fuller than ever, but I have the freedom to really look around and see what needs to be done. I've enjoyed spending a lot more time with Aaron. I spend a day or two a week up at the church with him planning, meeting, dreaming, praying, and filling in gaps where need be. I've had a lot of people ask me if I quit my business so that I could work at the church, and my answer is definitively no. However, I do feel like I need to step up in my role of being a support for Aaron, and not in a church staff sort of way. I didn't see that clearly when all of this began. In the past, I've always been a part of Aaron's ministry and have been involved in one capacity or another, but this is the first time I've truly felt like a partner--like this ministry is something we're doing together. And I want to clarify, it has never been because Aaron hasn't invited or encouraged it. There was just always something that held me back. Maybe it was just the phase of life we were in with young kids and busy lives. But maybe there was something more that didn't allow me to give that much of myself. I don't know.

I do know that the other day as I was driving to lunch with a friend, I was thinking and praying to God about why he would ask me to give up my business. I feel like he said to me pretty clearly, "You never would have truly committed yourself to this ministry otherwise." I'm not sure if that's the main idea of his whole plan or just a sub-text, but it was very eye-opening for me to realize.

I also know that now my weekends are free, and I'm able to enjoy Saturdays with my family--baseball games, Hill Country road trips, and days at home. It's so nice. And at least for the moment, I'm happy to not be spending my Saturdays shooting weddings and coming home at midnight. It feels really good.

I'm still in the process of unpacking the whole thing (like then whens and the whys, and I just realized that this is the first time in 15 years that I have not been earning an income... weird), and I know it may be years before I understand it all. But I continue to pray and take each step forward, trusting God and trying to have the courage to say, "I'll do anything you ask of me, Lord."