Change

Journal Entry: February 4, 2013

There's been a lot going through my mind lately. I feel like God is working something (pretty major) in my life, because over the past year or so, everything has been changing. I feel like God has been slowly (and sometimes not so slowly) taking from me so many of the things I am comfortable with, not sparing many of my plans and dreams. It's no secret that this has been a tough process for me... "It's not fair. Why can't I have anything I want?!" (Yes, I realize how much this sounds like my kids when they were three.) But I'm starting to figure that it's time to embrace it all--whatever that may look like (and I hate that I don't know). God asked me to TRUST him in 2013, right? 

So... I'm thinking the next step is to close (or at least take some time off) my business. I absolutely never saw this coming. In the fall, I really began to sense that God was telling me it would be ending, that I'd need to let it go (I've had similar experiences when leaving other jobs in the past) -- I just didn't know when. Since then, however, a number of signs keep pointing to the end of a season. I just don't feel right about moving forward. I'm not exactly sure how to proceed from here.  

Letting go is hard in so many ways. I'm not worried about money or provision. God has proven time and time again that he is faithful to provide, no matter what our income. I think the hardest part is letting go of the dreams ("success", earning enough to save for travel and buy a house in the country, the joy of having/building my own business). I've always had the "if you can dream it, you can do it" state of mind. And it's hard when God says no without giving any other vision for what's ahead. I want something to pursue... a goal. 

But I can see now that that goal needs to be him, and him alone. My hopes and dreams and that need to know what's next have become (and may have always been) an idol in my life, and it's time to do things differently. Time to step out of the boat and see what happens.

Since writing that journal entry, I read the book "Anything: The Prayer That Unlocked My God and My Soul" by Jeannie Allen. Let me tell you, I have never read anything that seemed to be written for and about me at a particular moment in time. (It's cool how God does stuff like that, right?!) It confirmed so much of what I was hearing and reassured me that what I am doing is the right thing.

Friends, I thank you in advance for your prayers and support as I walk this out. I'm not sure how to navigate these waters. It's one thing to pray and decide to follow him. It's quite another thing, I'm learning, to say it out loud and put legs on what God is asking me to do.